23 March 2015

New Chapters


I miss the old chapters. I miss having the freedom of getting up in the morning to uncover every fold and crease of the day. I miss the unrestraint of running along the beach at whatever hour I saw fit, for however long I hungered for. Truthfully I miss it all, every inch, with the entirety of my heart. But in the last few weeks I've come across a gentle reminder that re-reading those pages doesn't come close to the freedom found in writing new ones.

I can only attempt to explain what it is like to be chronically ill by sharing with you the feeling of falling behind a little more with each change of season, and watching everyone else stride so effortlessly from milestone to milestone. It's the true helplessness you feel when you know the illness is bruising the resilience of your loved ones, maybe even more than it has the strength to bruise yours; knowing you are incapable of protecting them. It's the raw powerlessness you experience while watching the dreams you had designed for yourself being remoulded at the hands of something completely fated and unavoidable.
The shadows seem to meet at either end and give my thoughts every reason to neglect the instant and break into a memory of an easier time. But what's crucial to hold close to my heart are the many blessings and things that I am truly grateful for and the hundreds of reasons, and more, to reach further and love deeper than to let my mind collapse into a pattern of distracting with ghosts in an attempt to forget to soak up and really breathe in this very minute. 
Sometimes I can feel so overwhelmed with the restriction and frustration that I don't fully appreciate that those moments of sadness are merely momentary and that they pass just as swiftly as their happy counterparts.

Perhaps what was choking me the most was a sense that with illness becoming such a huge part of my life, I would somehow have less to give. This could not be any less true. Boundaries shouldn't define what I have to offer others, they should add to my ability to be compassionate towards and to understand people's limitations and shortcomings. I can give more because I am living through something hand in hand with the largest minority in the world. That's pretty special.

It's a my new life and it's fulfilling, if soley because I still wake enamoured with the possibility of each new day. I don't know which direction this new road will follow, I don't know what it's going to look like and there's no map to foreshadow what I'm likely to find, but I'm discovering some beauty in releasing my grip from the steering wheel and embracing the not knowing. 

If you're feeling a little lost in whatever place you are in right now, know that you're not alone, however lonely you may feel. I'm with you x


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