New Chapters

I miss the old chapters. I miss having the freedom of getting up in the morning to uncover every fold and crease of the day. I miss the unrestraint of running along the beach at whatever hour I saw fit, for however long I hungered for. Truthfully I miss it all, every inch, with the entirety of my heart. But in the last few weeks I've come across a gentle reminder that re-reading those pages doesn't come close to the freedom found in writing new ones.

I can only attempt to explain what it is like to be chronically ill by sharing with you the feeling of falling behind a little more with each change of season, and watching everyone else stride so effortlessly from milestone to milestone. It's the true helplessness you feel when you know the illness is bruising the resilience of your loved ones, maybe even more than it has the strength to bruise yours; knowing you are incapable of protecting them. It's the raw powerlessness you experience while watching the dreams you had designed for yourself being remoulded at the hands of something completely fated and unavoidable.

The shadows seem to meet at either end and give my thoughts every reason to neglect the instant and break into a memory of an easier time. But what's crucial to hold close to my heart are the many blessings and things that I am truly grateful for and the hundreds of reasons, and more, to reach further and love deeper than to let my mind collapse into a pattern of distracting with ghosts in an attempt to forget to soak up and really breathe in this very minute. 

Sometimes I can feel so overwhelmed with the restriction and frustration that I don't fully appreciate that those moments of sadness are merely momentary and that they pass just as swiftly as their happy counterparts.

Perhaps what was choking me the most was a sense that with illness becoming such a huge part of my life, I would somehow have less to give. This could not be any less true. Boundaries shouldn't define what I have to offer others, they should add to my ability to be compassionate towards and to understand people's limitations and shortcomings. I can give more because I am living through something hand in hand with the largest minority in the world. That's pretty special.

It's a my new life and it's fulfilling, if soley because I still wake enamoured with the possibility of each new day. I don't know which direction this new road will follow, I don't know what it's going to look like and there's no map to foreshadow what I'm likely to find, but I'm discovering some beauty in releasing my grip from the steering wheel and embracing the not knowing. 

If you're feeling a little lost in whatever place you are in right now, know that you're not alone, however lonely you may feel. I'm with you x

I found Pinterest

I can't stop pinning. In the last month, thanks to a prompt from my cousin over the phone, I have willingly become a self confessed Pinterest addict, of the highest kind. If you have missed the Pinterest wagon or like me just never got around to taking a look, I can only describe it by comparing it to a magpie's treasure trove of all things imagination and attention to itsy-bitsy detail... on everything you should ever seek inspiration for. That being said, as with everything that I love deeply, I'm going to extend and share my favourite gems from the pin-chest to my blog, but first I feel that I should let you in on the two main reasons that sparked my crush:

1. Since I'm still/currently in the process of moving house, I am in the spirit of all things changeable and new & more importantly I am pinning away in an attempt to gather together some inspiration for my new setting.

2. Given that I am a spoonie by day (& by night but, boy, do I wish I could have the evenings off!) I tend to spend near on all my time in my bedroom so I'm keen to turn it into a little haven. I can't prevent cabin fever but I think it's far more bearable to stare at four nicely decorated walls, scattered with my fondest memories and colours than the alternative; and beyond that I feel like my environment plays a huge part in allowing me to wholly unwind.
If you want to know more about the spoon theory click here.

At this point you can dive into my pin board here or carry on scrolling to read about my highlights.

Uplifted: 

Okay, so not all of us are lucky enough to have a secret garden getaway at the end of the path, but I couldn't not (double negative intended) include this one in the mix. I love that the asymmetrical aspect to the room is accentuated, almost as much as I adore the contrasting textures and the palette of delicate neutrals & naturals, which you'll probably notice is a running theme throughout the pin board, paired with such a brightening and sunny yellow. If you fancy exploring the Bird's Nest Inn (how adorable is their naming game) I've linked their blog here. 

Granny's take on Parisian: 

Crochet; kinda like marmite but I happen to be a fan - of crochet that is and not the icky, brown spread. There's something rustic, something soft yet the room manages to maintain such a minimal pose. I think all minimalistic room designs offer that feeling of effortless calm; you know the kind that gives you an overwhelming urge to dive straight onto the bed for a good kip or a read of a book that you haven't picked up in months. 

Country Bumpkin: 

I'll let you in on a little secret: one of my most cherished dreams for the future is to live in a quaint and quintessentially English cottage. I can imagine Adam and I bumbling around in the tiny corridors and laughing explosively each time he would bend his 6ft 2 self under the door frames. I'm big on the ability a room has to bring about feelings and this one, for me, is warm and rosy. 

If you have pinterest let me know so that I can say a 'hello' and leave a comment on this post if you fancy telling me the choice of key words would you be entering into the Pinterest search bar - shabby chic, Parisian, sixties or mod'?

P.S Apologies for my absence throughout Feb and expected patchiness in March-April also. Moving = busy times.

ALL PHOTOS SOURCED FROM PINTEREST 

Unconditional Love

"There's no one I'd rather be scared with than you" - Fortesa Latifi

Walking into this neither of us had any idea of the difficulties that lay ahead; there was no contract for you to sign to tie you in through the tough times, no warnings to shield, no hindsight to guide. Blindly, we dived in - head first and sure of everything. Boy, am I beyond glad that we did because we have had some really good times pre & post illness; making up the stacks of memories that I'll carry with me throughout the seasons.

When my health started to deteriorate it wasn't easy for anyone; weeks became months and we were still without an explanation. My thoughts were dominated by all the unanswered questions and it became second nature to doubt myself, but you held the kind of trust in me that renewed my confidence and stopped me from surrendering to the label of "it's in your head". In the face of an answer that wasn't so easy to swallow and knowing that this would be more of a long-term thing you didn't flinch, and remained unwavering in your positivity that we would somehow find a way through. Living amidst symptoms that changed by the day I was so thankful for that constant.

On deciding to sit down to put pen to paper, or rather fingers to keypad, the one thing I realised was that these things didn't just happen to me, they happened to you too and in turn for every wound I bear, you own the scar to match. It's no secret, either, that you have missed out on a lot because of me, and my circumstances and I know that you'll brush it off with an "It's worth it", but I want you to know that that means the world to me, and I have so many dreams for you. Although in reality you are just as helpless to it all as I am, you've shared the load with every hand hold and every stupid joke that has split my sides in that 'so unfunny that it's funny' kinda way.

I'm not too proud to say that our journey has taken us through some deep and dark winter nights, but I have never been cold. We have bonded through these not so great times, and call me crazy, but I think it was the place where you made the swift transition from just a boyfriend to my best friend. It amazed me that you were still able to sweep me off of my feet whilst I spent so much of the time horizontal.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that we are bound not by illness, but by the love we share, and I think it's a pretty great achievement that we have defied the labels that could have so easily consumed us. Now I know there are few things I'm sure of, life can take a turn at any time, free of the pressures of convenience, but the one thing I can always be sure of is that whatever happens, I'll find shelter with you.

Guest Post: One Piece of Advice to a Chronic Illness Sufferer

Moving house brings about a naturally busy time for anybody but coupled with chronic illness makes for quite the uncertain and worrisome situation - c'est difficile. Last week I felt an incredible surge of glum wash over me, as I reluctantly came to the realisation that I wouldn't be able to give the love and attention that I perhaps would have wanted, to my blog during the change over. Just as I was sitting down with the intention to write out a short and sweet post explaining why I would be absent in the coming weeks, I had somewhat of a lightbulb moment and decided that instead of leaving this space to gather dust throughout February, apart from a very special something on the 14th wink-wink, that I would call upon a few of my talented and generous friends to pitch in and write some guest posts to keep things ticking along.

This one is from Em; a 24 year old beauty guru in the making and fellow chronic illness sufferer who, through the lower points over the last year, became one of my closest friends and a source of endless support - aren't I lucky? Emma documents her life with chronic illness and all that she has to say about anything and everything on her blog, Emma Drusilla. I'm actually really pleased that she was happy to write a guest post as it gives me the perfect opportunity to share her new, top-notch YouTube channel which, if you haven't already, I'd definitely urge you to give it a visit and big ol' hit of that subscribe button.

Hi to all of the lovely Rachel's followers! My name is Emma, I'm 24 and I suffer from ME. Thank you to Rachel for asking me to write this guest post today.

Before I was diagnosed with ME around two years ago, I had an active and normal social life. It wasn’t unusual for me to do a day at university, go for dinner afterwards, go to the pub in the evening the next day and, on the odd occasion, take the 15 mile trip into Brighton to go clubbing until the (not so) early hours. In doing this I had no second thoughts about energy, no second thoughts about the anxiety of feeling unwell or if who I was with would understand - as most people don’t.
Then ME struck and life very quickly changed. Feeling alone and misunderstood with an invisible illness, even my GP’s didn’t seem to know what was going on - so I turned to the internet. Googling turned to forums, forums turned to blogs and blogs turned to social media. After reading the blogs of very inspirational girls online I started following them on Instagram. I never imagined that this could have turned into an outpouring of support from the ‘spoonie’ community, many followers going through the same thing and most unbelievably, friends.

It’s easy to bond with someone who has been through an experience as unique as yours. To find people who know exactly what you’re going through is one thing but what took me most by surprise was how extraordinary each one of these people are and not just because of their illness or battle with adversity but because they are caring, insightful, hilarious, ambitious and so intelligent. We all live in various locations across the country, even across the world, and would never have met or become friends under any other circumstances but I feel so privileged to know them and be part of their community. It hurts to see such incredible people be held back by their illness, I can guarentee chronic illness is not the plight of the lazy, but it’s brilliant rooting for them and sharing in their triumph and successes.

When you have a chronic illness you get all sorts of advice. Advice from your Doctor to stop worrying; advice from your family to get out and have a walk; advice from strangers to try ‘magic pills’ because the Daily Mail says so. My advice to a new sufferer is simple: get online. Not only is there a whole community there with helpful first hand advice and experience but most importantly there are amazing people you are going to want to know.What brought us together was illness but what keeps us together is friendship - that’s a great medicine. x

Sometimes it all gets really overwhelming

So, you may have noticed that I was out of action for the better part of the month of December; don't worry you haven't missed out on any wild or spontaneous Christmas excursions and by the end of this post, hopefully, you will be able to count yourself filled in!
It's been a season chockablock with significant health hiccups, a case of set back after set back, and unfortunately what with all the festivities of the last few months, alongside family commitments I haven't been able to catch my breath, let alone get back into the habit of writing here each week. During all the madness, however, I have attempted to keep you updated on my new Instagram and if you are looking for some extra reading material, I shared some of my favourite blogs to read here last week. 

I haven't yet had the chance to delve into the specifics of my chronic illnesses here on the blog, and I intend to talk about my experiences in more detail this year (watch this space!). In November I had my fourth major vertigo attack, which left me completely bedbound for a number of weeks. Towards the end of the month I started to notice different symptoms from my norm and just felt altogether extra poorly; upon investigation we realised that I had an infection and although it was quickly cleared by a course of good ol' anti-Bs I was left feeling very washed out and fatigued. A few weeks later the bad luck continued and my papa brought home a nasty cold - that one pretty much finished me off! If you're interested in reading more about the difficulties of being ill on top of being chronically ill, check out Sophia's blog post here. 

Aside from illness, something that I am equal parts anxious and thrilled about, that I don't think I have yet mentioned is that we have sold our house and found a new place over an hour away! *Jumps for joy* For someone who's lived in the same spot all their life, moving outside of the county is a big deal - a little extra to add to my worry pot, albeit a pretty darn exciting one. New year, new start!

So all in all, there have been quite a few, what I call (cheeky Miranda reference for all of you mourning the end of the series), paper bag moments and a constant underlying feeling of "Help! I'm sinking!". Sometimes I find myself feeling entirely helpless to the storm, but I'm slowly learning to become my own lifeguard; breathing through each day, using my dreams as the armbands that keep me afloat and letting whatever is out of my control take it's course. There will always be times when no matter how much positive energy we chuck at a situation it just doesn't want to pipe the beep down, and we have no choice but to endure all of the uncomfortable heart flutters and sweaty palms. I guess these are the things that help us to grow, as I was lovingly reminded by my friend Meg "Every flower must grow through dirt". I really appreciate the support of all my spoonie sisters and all their encouragement and inspiration for me to spur on despite the difficulties.

If you're really perceptive you may have realised I have quite the hot and cold relationship with my blog, it can be hard to commit to weekly or even monthly posts when you are faced with the stone-cold reality of being chronically ill. I have realised that there will always be obstacles and that the most sensible decision I can make is to prioritise my health, with the comfort that my ambitions will still be there when I am better rested. Even though I will continue to make a conscious effort to smell the roses, I'm happy to accept that things may not always be rosy.

In the words of T. Swift I think we are out of the woods and should be back for the new year, with a bit of luck! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that things will continue to settle down.

I hope that everyone had a magical Christmas and New Year 

The one where I turned 19

As of last week I'm officially in my 19th year, woohoo! To mark the occasion I spent the day at home sharing low-key celebrations with my closest that I love the 'mostest'... sometimes it's the simplest days that are the most special.

Image Source: paleoplan.com - Vanilla Pound Cake (a.k.a the best gluten free birthday cake Mum's ever baked!) 

Although we didn't plan anything as such, other than my dad taking the day off, it's safe to say that there was a lot of film viewing, popcorn munching, (munching in general) and the excitement of present opening.

I may not be the kind of gal to initiate a count down, or write a wish-list, but I am the sentimental type that looks to a birthday as a time to reflect over the year and all it had to offer - maybe this comes as part and parcel of having been born in Nov-Dec. Whatever the cause, I felt myself becoming quite overwhelmed with emotion, high and low, as I thought over just how much has happened throughout this past year. It was difficult not to have realised some of the goals I had set, but also incredibly warming to look at everything that I have stumbled across in their place.

Perhaps the most significant feeling was that of the love that surrounds me, from my wonderful family and friends. I am ever-thankful for their support, encouragement and positivity that I am lucky enough to be blessed with every day.

So here's to the 19th year, let's hope it brings happiness, good health and friendship for everyone!

How did you celebrate your birthday this year?

A Spoonful of She

This post has been stacked up in my drafts for quite a few weeks, eagerly awaiting it's publish date, but today I'm finally able to share with you some very exciting news. For a short while now four of my spoonie friends and I have been embarking on a rather special project... a la YouTube. You guessed it - we are starting a channel together!

Since deciding to embrace my inner Carrie Bradshaw and starting a blog, earlier this year, whilst equally significantly becoming an avid viewer of the Michalak clan, I've often wondered what it would be like to start my own YouTube channel. It was an aspiration that sat quietly at the back of my mind; saved for a rainy day. Aside from feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of putting myself out there quite so boldly, I didn't think that the pressure of weekly filming, editing and uploading would be something that I could take on given my health limitations.
Unbeknownst to me, Hayley and Emma were mulling over a similar situation and got to talking about how we could wiggle around the obstacles, and sure enough a light bulb moment ensued. The suggestion that we group together to run a channel seemed to be the obvious solution and a natural progression from blogging. Uploading one video every five weeks sounds a great deal more manageable and I'm pretty certain that it will be a whole lot more fun sharing the experience with four of my lovely gals.

After countless WhatsApp message alerts we came to realise that the channel shouldn't be focused solely on living with ill health but rather everything that we share in common: beauty chats, foodie videos, vlogs and essentially anything else that five regular girls, who just happen to have a chronic illness, should want to upload. With this in mind we decided that the name, A Spoonful of She, should embrace the idea that we are sharing a 'spoonful' of our lives, hobbies and adventures.

They say that when life gives you lemons to make lemonade, so when life gives you a chronic illness I think the best thing that can happen is making beautiful friendships with those who truly understand and learn to laugh just as a hard as you did before.

We hope that you are just as excited as we are for the channel to hit your computer screens in the new year and that you'll be keen to get involved and show your support!

Find the girls here: Emma, Hayley, Meg, Sophia

The highlight of summer

Thanks to my health the summer was pretty uneventful, skipping out on sunbathing on the beach and weekend getaways for everyday odds and ends, but I did have one particularly special plan penciled into my diary. Katharine and I met through our blogs and instagram a few months ago and have since kindled a friendship through long conversations over the phone; sharing everything from our 'poorly experiences' to mutual guinea piggy adoration. Last month we managed to get together and boy oh boy, did we have a good time.

After we finally stopped hugging... okay, so that didn't happen. Correction: Mid hug, we exchanged gifts, enjoyed a spot of lunch and chatted endlessly.

Four slices of dodgy gluten-free cake and three Polaroids later we had already planned a second get together before Katharine returned to uni, as well as oodles of high time adventures for Christmas and the upcoming new year.

Jokes aside, Katharine is such a ray of sunshine in the fogginess of chronic illness. Sometimes in life the unthinkable happens; your health deteriorates for whatever reason and suddenly you're faced with an uphill climb. To have a friend who truly understands the struggle is a blessing in itself, but to find one who is willing to hold your hand, laugh at all the misfortunes and assure you that every obstacle is worth overcoming, is something I never thought possible.

Thank you Katharine for having the unwavering ability to make the tough times that much more bearable, I have no doubt that all the good times we will share in the future will be entirely unforgettable. 

If you would like to check out Katharine's blog head over to katharineandme.blogspot.co.uk

Attention tea lovers

Seen as it’s now September and autumn is officially creeping around the corner I couldn't of picked a more fitting time to share with you my love of tea. I don’t think anyone can deny that snuggling up under a blanket with a cup of ‘cha’ in the autumn/winter months is categorically the best feeling in the world. Enough said. 

Since giving up caffeine last year I have tried and tested a whole host of herbals, some good, some ghastly.  Here are the best of the bunch tailored to your every occasion. 

Disclaimer: I know nothing beats good old fashioned tea, but this one is for the caffeine free freaks among us. Or maybe I'll convert you!

One for the early riser: 

The smell could fool anyone into thinking that this is a traditional cuppa: Tick Tock Organic Rooibos Green Tea.  I've noticed the early morning to be the peek time for caffeine cravings and the hardest alternative to find, but this green tea blend is both refreshing and thirst quenching (and to be honest the scent isn't deceiving - it tastes pretty similar). This benefits from the quality of loose leaf with the convenience of a bag and doesn't have the marmite personality of regular rooibos. The flavour intensifies when it's left to infuse so is perfect if you're looking for something with a little more oomph.

One for the evening sipper:

 While a cup of tea can't solve all of life's little dramas this one can definitely sit them on the back burner: Taylors/Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew, Chamomile and Vanilla. 

"Nobody understands plants quite like the Royal Botanic Gardens." - partnered with Taylors I present to you the dream team. Neither flavour dominates with this melodious cup. Oh serenity! 

One for the gyppy tummied: 

If, like me, you are not the biggest ginger fan this might just prove to be the stomach settling tea for you: Pukka, Three Mint. This sweet-smelling blend of peppermint, spearmint and fieldmint is a light bodied brew that promotes healthy digestion. Whilst there is a lingering peppermint aftertaste, I find that it is not too overpowering; the flavour is nicely balanced by the natural sweetness of the spearmint. 
This little, 'mentholy' bag really packs a punch. 

One for the sweet tooth: 

I'm happy to admit that this tastes like any other fruit blend, but it's all about personal preference and I love this combo: Twinings, Cranberry and Raspberry. The tartness of the cranberries prevents that dreaded sweetness induced rasp at the back of the throat and it is so wonderfully tangy. Summer in a cup. 

One for the indulger:  

The subtle mix of six warm spices elevates this from an every day tea and it is uber satisfying: Pukka Vanilla Chai. Usually with chai I find myself compromising on taste just to experience that pungent aroma, but this brew scores well all across the board.
I think this will be one of my winter warming staples.  A tea for the soul... or dessert!

So are you tempted?

The Dorchester Curiosity Centre

As a self-professed aficionado of all things vintage and well loved, the local curiosity centre is my favourite spot for a Saturday morning wander. From idle chats over redbush tea and gluten free cake to no-nonsense furniture hunts, it serves every possibility. It just so happens that I'm one for cake! 

 

 

 

 

This place is an upcyclers dream and for the less capable there are lovingly restored items and racks of clothing; eras ranging from the 1930s to the 1990s. My latest find is a Paul Costelloe silk blouse for £16 in mint condition-  heavenly! 

Bargains aside, the champion perk has to be that there is wheelchair access. Ok, so I don't always roll around this shop, but on those less than average days it can be nice to sit back and let someone else do the navigating. I find that antique stores in general don't seem to account for disabled customers so this is quite the rarity and vintage rummages are no longer reserved only for the tip-top days.

Where's your Saturday morning rendezvous?